User Name:
Pasword:
OR

Please log in.

 







Neoseeker Network

Neoseeker.com NeoPortals TweakFactor HardwareForum LanParty Eh! 24 Animal Crossing Devil May Cry Doom 3 Dynasty Warriors Family Guy Final Fantasy Football Manager Grand Theft Auto Half-Life 2 Halo 2 Harvest Moon Kingdom Hearts Megaman Metal Gear Metroid Ratchet & Clank Resident Evil Pro Evolution Soccer Simpsons Sonic Stargate World of Warcraft Zelda


Home > Season Information > Quotes

    QUOTES


There are many memorable quotes from Family Guy but here you will find the best of the best of Seasons One and Two.

A "Mom" Answer
Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl. He'll come around.
Meg: That's such a mom answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing him the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg: Creepy.

blue bugger Episode
  Item id #9266   
Aunt Margorite
Peter Griffin: Your Aunt Margorite is probably laughing at me right now while she's burning in hell..may she rest in peace.

Episode
  Item id #9653   
Bill Price
Peter Griffin: Woah, woah, woah. Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Nurse: Your phone number.

Episode
  Item id #10160   
Bing Crosby's Advice
Lois Griffin Peter, we are not going to New York!
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift, and I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby That's right. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.
Peter: But that doesn't sound right...
Bing: Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? How's that?
Peter: Knock it off! Get away from me, you dead crooner!

Episode
  Item id #10173   
Blunt Instrument!
Hotel Manager: Open up or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit dead-beats with bad credit cards!! -- Well, it's not an instrument, it's more of an object...but it's blunt, hard and blunt, and well...it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking...

Episode
  Item id #10178   
Can They Understand the Baby?
Student: Yeah. I don't get it. -- So can the family understand the baby? Or what's the deal with that?

Episode
  Item id #10204   
Canada
Meg Griffin: And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians.
Peter: Canada sucks.

Episode
  Item id #9600   
Cat in the Hat
Cat in the Hat: Your parents will be home any minute, are you sure you don't want me to clean the place up?
Child Peter: No, no, go -- it'll be funny.

Episode
  Item id #10183   
Crappy Hot Chocolate
Death: What did you make this hot chocolate with? Crap?
Lois Griffin: If you want me to make you another...just say so.
Death: I just thought you'd make it with milk...instead of crap.

Episode
  Item id #10161   
Definition of Women
Peter Griffin: Women are not people. They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Episode
  Item id #10166   
Diane Deserves a Spanking
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom Tucker: (Laughing) That frigid old cow lives in Quahog, she can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.

Episode
  Item id #9136   
Everyone Has a Sanctuary
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have The Pawtucket Brewery.

Episode
  Item id #10208   
Favorite Bible Book
Peter Griffin: We all love the bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favourite book of the bible?
Peter: Ugh...the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in a big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Bible
  Item id #9677   
Gays From France
Peter Griffin: Gays don't vommit. They're very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

Episode
  Item id #10207   
Give Chris A Break
Peter Griffin: Hey Lois...give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class...it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 19.

Episode
  Item id #10167   
Great Ideas
Peter Griffin: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? -- Cause that's what soap is for Lois.

Episode
  Item id #10162   
Handicapped Toys
Joe: I just suggested a line of handicapable toys...you know, to show the kids the fun of being physically challenged!

Episode
  Item id #9265   
Instant Herpes
Peter Griffin: Oh no Lois...a guy at work bought a car out of the paper once. Ten years later, BAM! -- herpes.

Episode
  Item id #10193   
Interactive Father
Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family - or kill us. I'm not sure which.

Episode
  Item id #9134   
Land Mines
Lois Griffin: Excuse us..we're having a small problem with home security.
Peter Griffin: Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground...and when you step on them..they explode?
Sales Clerk: Land mines?
Lois and Peter: Land mines!
Peter: It was land mines...

Episode
  Item id #10158   
Lemonade Stand Front
Little Girl at Leomonade Stand: I can't take a credit card sir...i need real money.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Watcha selling? Meth, ex, crack, dust, coke, block, crystal? In my neighborhood? I don’t think so!

Peter crushes the lemonade stand.

Episode
  Item id #10199   
Live With Diane
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news...we now go live to Diane being a bitch. -- Diane.

Episode
  Item id #10163   
Lois's Act
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh...
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem

-

Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

Episode
  Item id #9171   
Lois's Opinion
Lois Griffin: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter Griffin: Well, the important thing is.. it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Episode
  Item id #10190   
Lois..A Racist?
Peter Griffin: Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbles back on TV is a racist! There. -- I said it.

Episode
  Item id #10169   
Meg....A Teenager?
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute! Meg, when did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Shes 16 Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?


  Item id #10115   
News for the Millenium
Diane Simmons: And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.
Tom Tucker: We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at those we've lost this millennium.

Episode
  Item id #9682   
Peanuts and Crackerjacks
Peter Griffin: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever comes back.

-

Brian: I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

Episode
  Item id #9676   
Peter's Silver Medal
Peter Griffin: I had such a crush on her..until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal. (Peter kisses Lois)

Episode
  Item id #10179   
Popular Clique
Teacher: All right, what's going on back here? Oh hello Megan..wait a minute, your not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere. Shame on you all...getting her hopes up like that.

Episode
  Item id #10180   
Resentment of Peter Worship
Lois Griffin: These people are worshipping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter Griffin: Someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.
Lois: Not me, Peter. God! The real God!
Peter: What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. When did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Come on! Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed!

Episode
  Item id #10168   
Schoolhouse Rocks
Chorus (singing): Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies...

Episode
  Item id #10170   
Share of Disappointments
Peter: I know just how you feel pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments too.

-Cutaway-

Doctor: It's a girl!
Peter: Can you... can you check again?

Episode
  Item id #9137   
Smelly Meg
Stewie Griffin: Meg! You vile-smelling girl... you're not to touch any of my things!
Stewie: You understand me..dirty girl?

Episode
  Item id #9625   
Stephen King
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?!
Dean Koontz: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: Oh.

Episode
  Item id #10067   
Stewie's Commands
Stewie Griffin: You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal!
Stewie: You two! Fight to the death!

Episode
  Item id #9654   
Stewie's Insult
Stewie Griffin: Ok, ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly..you wouldn't need an egg timer...you'd need an egg calender! (Laughs) Oh, that's right. I went there.

Episode
  Item id #10165   
Stewie's Sprinkles
Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find I shall kill you!

Episode
  Item id #9167   
Stewie's Weight Problem
Doctor: Hum, 29 pounds, that’s big for your age.
Stewie Griffin: Well forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from those diaper commercials.

Episode
  Item id #10212   
Stuff to Do
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't clean. I've got stuff to do.
Lois Griffin: Meg, we all know you don't have stuff to do.

Episode
  Item id #10211   
Symbols of the Republican Party
Peter: Hey Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Episode
  Item id #9166   
That Episode of The Brady Bunch
Brian Griffin: Kid, listen, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?
Stewie Griffin: Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. -- And put a nice label on it.

Episode
  Item id #10177   
The Baby's Up
Stewie: Ugh..damn it to the bowels of bloody hell.
Lois: Well the baby's up.

Episode
  Item id #9172   
The Fattest Part
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

Episode
  Item id #10159   
The Reason Dinosaurs Died Out
Child Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Tour Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.

Child Peter puts his head down in shame.

Episode
  Item id #10209   
The Vietnam Thing
Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? -- Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah...but don't mention it around The Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Episode
  Item id #10206   
Three Days?
Peter: Three days? That's tomorrow!

Episode
  Item id #9599   
Ticklish Cleveland
Cleveland: Oh, Peter...that tickles me in a way, that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, "Oh yeah...that's nice...that's the spot."

Episode
  Item id #10205   
Tricia's Sex Report
Tom Tucker: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex.
Trishia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish.

Trisha gets into bed with Glen.

Episode
  Item id #10068   
Truth About Prison Showers
Brian: Um, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell you Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh..it was slipping all over the place....guys were laughing.

Episode
  Item id #9116   
Tulips
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds -- but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

Episode
  Item id #10175   
Ugly Meg
Meg Griffin: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris Griffin: Well...you're hogging up all the...ugly!

Episode
  Item id #9626   
Very Well for No Breasts
Lois Griffin: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts -- you've done very well for yourself. Good for you!

Episode
  Item id #10172   
Wasted 24/7
Peter Griffin: Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day!

Episode
  Item id #10176   
Wedding Portrait
Lois Griffin: Did you paste your picture over our wedding portrait?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over mine...
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.

Episode
  Item id #10202   
Wheelchair People
Peter: You’re not supposed to admire wheelchair people...You’re supposed to feel sorry for them.

Episode
  Item id #9264   
Which Child?
Lois Griffin: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?
Peter Griffin: Gordon?

Episode
  Item id #10182   
Why Don't You....
Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Episode
  Item id #9114   
Women Are Not Objects
Lois Griffin: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right son. Listen to what it says.


Episode
  Item id #10171   
Y2K
Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Episode
  Item id #9681   
You're fired!
Mr. Weed: You're Fired!
Peter: Oh geez, for how long?

Episode
  Item id #9115   
Suggest Content for this page   Item id #9089



Family Guy, Vol. 1 (Seasons 1 & 2)
Movie    (Jan 1, 99)
Neoseeker   Forum



  


 

Copyright, 2008. Neo Era Media, Inc. || Content Disclaimer