Quotes (OLD)

Any quotes from Family Guy can go here, please put them in the appropriate season. You can help transport the rest of them from the Family Guy Neoportal.


[edit] Season 1

Mr. Weed: Peter, your negligence has ruined this company's reputation. You're fired!

Peter: Aw, geez. For how long?


Fred: Gee whiz, gang, looks like the murderer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body into the river.

Velma: Jinkies. What a mystery!

Scooby-Doo: (grossed out Scooby noise)

Fred: You're right Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.


Bonnie: Don't worry Joe's a great negotiator. I was a virgin when we met; it took him three hours.


Dispatcher: (on police scanner) We've got a gang shooting on Third and Main. Three wounded, one dead.

Brian: Is it me, or is rap music getting lazier?


Mitch: Alright, you've got three days to earn a badge.

Peter: Three days?! That's tomorrow!


[edit] Season 2

Chris: So, uhh, what are you wearing? Oh, I bet you can see right throught that.

Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?

Chris: Grandma.


Chinese Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?

Stewie: Dear God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.


Death: You're going to have to do something huge. To get people's attention.

Chris: Like blowing up Earth?

Death: Too big, but your thinking. I like it.

Meg: Hey, we could kill all girls who are prettier then me.

Death: But that would just leave England.


Lois: Typical male fantasy, women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter: Of course a man made it, its a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.


Lois: Oh I hate these high pressure sales situations.

Peter: Oh thats so cute. Youre just afraid that because youre a woman youre going to do something stupid like buy that timeshare and not realise your husband taped over our wedding video for softcore cable porn.

Lois: You taped over our wedding video?

Peter: Relax Lois, i just taped over the boring stuff.

(Flashback)Priest: The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite to eachother.

Lois: Peter, I-

(Video Static) Prisoner: Look, the only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sister.

Guard: Excuse me ladies, its laundry time.

Prisoner: So cold in here, I mean look at my-(back to wedding)

(Back to Lois and Peter)Lois: Oh my god Peter, I sent a copy of that to my great aunt Lil.

(Old peoples home) Aunt: This wedding is hot.

Old man:(punching crotch) Wake up dammit! Wake up!


Brian: Uhh Peter, maybe you shouldnt do this. Youve never had a lot of luck telling jokes.

(Flashback) Peter: Ok, ok, how many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the lighbulb, and two dirty stinking apes to throw faeces at eachother. (apes aim guns at peter)


Woman: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

Peter: Oh, alright, then youll love this one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while youre talking to them.


Peter: Alright look, first of all, if I can speak in my own defense, I was just tell a little joke. Second of all, women are not people, they are devices built by the lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.


Stewie: Oh, I've got it. If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar. That's right, I went there.


Stewie: You, cameraman. Make sure you use the Cybill Sheperd filter, if they can make her look half human it's sure to take six monthes off of my face.


Stewie: I want pancakes!! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!!!


[edit] Season 3

Tom Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather Forecast. -- Ollie?

Ollie: It gon rain.

Tom: Thanks Ollie.


Lois: Peter, why are we stopping?

Peter: Uh yeah, ill have three cheeseburgers.

Lois: Peter, for gods sake, shes having a baby.

Peter: Oh thats right, and a kids meal. And uh, I guess ill have fries. If I have fries, is anyone else going to have any? Cause you know I dont want to be the only one eating them, Ill feel like a fatty


Peter: No baby, but it looks like Carole is blowing a bubble.

Lois: Peter thats the head. Push, push!

Peter: I am, it wont go back in.

Lois: Not you Peter, Carole push, Peter you pull.


Peter: Its a beautiful baby girl

Carole: Oh a baby girl. Im so happy.

Peter: But she has a penis. Well have to do something about that.

Lois: Peter no, its a boy.


[edit] Season 4

God: Here, let me light that for you, babe. (God lights the girl's cigarette using a lightning bolt from his finger)

Girl: Hey, thanks!

God: Yep, magic fingers! (laughing) (God accidentally hits her with another lightning bolt and she disappears)

God: Jesus Christ!

Jesus: What?

God: Get the Escalade, -- we're outta here!


Chris Griffin: I don't want to get rid of my pimple. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.

Brian Griffin: I just wish I didn't have to look at it.

Chris: Well, we have to look at your anus all day!

Stewie Griffin: Thank you!


Peter Griffin: Wow! Lois, look at you! You look like Britney Spears -- except not a fat guy.


Peter Griffin: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois Griffin: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?

Peter Griffin: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just got to accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like: Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg The Bunny....

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.


Stewie Griffin: (Talking to Cleveland) Can I touch your hair? I'm going to do it. I'm going to touch it. Ooh, it's like a sheep.


Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?

Diane Simmons: (sighs) Ghostbusters, Tom.

Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.


Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad.

Meg: We have the same dad idiot!

Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!


[edit] Season 5

Stewie Griffin: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you might as well pack it in. Game over.


Lois: What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?

Peter: Yeah, it's all him or her's fault. Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe.

Lois: There's only one thing to do.

Peter: You're right. We got to find this Marilyn Manson and I got to give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.


Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's Desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach. [pause, but there's no cut away]

Stewie: Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope? Okay. Uh-uh, you can't leave, Brian...


Stewie (still dressed as a girl): None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina. [to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?


[edit] Season 6

Meg: What am I wearing? Um... a hat, and... glasses? [pause] What kind of underwear? Um... I don't know... big underwear, i guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and... we could watch House? [cuts to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone];

Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time.


Jilian: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?

Brian: Really? Where'd you hear that?

Jilian: In "Pe-Ople" magazine.


Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?

Peter: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!

Cleveland: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap. [cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]

Related Threads

Old School 2 - last post by @ Sep 16, 2006
A Good Old Fashioned Orgy (2011) - last post by @ Aug 16, 2011
The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) - last post by @ Jun 12, 2018
No Country for Old Men (2007) - last post by @ Dec 30, 2017
Kickin' It Old Skool (2007) - last post by @ Jul 6, 2014
Last edited by Twisted on 26 August 2008 at 17:45
This page has been accessed 2,269 times.