Quotes (Season 1-2)
There are many memorable quotes from Family Guy but here you will find the best of the best of Seasons One and Two.
 Aunt Margorite
Peter Griffin: Your Aunt Margorite is probably laughing at me right now while she's burning in hell..may she rest in peace.
 Bill Price
Peter Griffin: Woah, woah, woah. Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Nurse: Your phone number.
 Bing Crosby's Advice
Lois Griffin Peter, we are not going to New York!
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift, and I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby That's right. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.
Peter: But that doesn't sound right...
Bing: Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? How's that?
Peter: Knock it off! Get away from me, you dead crooner!
 Blunt Instrument!
Hotel Manager: Open up or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit dead-beats with bad credit cards!! -- Well, it's not an instrument, it's more of an object...but it's blunt, hard and blunt, and well...it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking...
 Can They Understand the Baby?
Student: Yeah. I don't get it. -- So can the family understand the baby? Or what's the deal with that?
Meg Griffin: And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians.
Peter: Canada sucks.
 Cat in the Hat
Cat in the Hat: Your parents will be home any minute, are you sure you don't want me to clean the place up?
Child Peter: No, no, go -- it'll be funny.
 Crappy Hot Chocolate
Death: What did you make this hot chocolate with? Crap?
Lois Griffin: If you want me to make you another...just say so.
Death: I just thought you'd make it with milk...instead of crap.
 Definition of Women
Peter Griffin: Women are not people. They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
 Diane Deserves a Spanking
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom Tucker: (Laughing) That frigid old cow lives in Quahog, she can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
 Everyone Has a Sanctuary
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have The Pawtucket Brewery.
 Favorite Bible Book
Peter Griffin: We all love the bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favourite book of the bible?
Peter: Ugh...the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in a big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.
 Gays From France
Peter Griffin: Gays don't vommit. They're very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.
 Give Chris A Break
Peter Griffin: Hey Lois...give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class...it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 19.
 Great Ideas
Peter Griffin: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? -- Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
 Handicapped Toys
Joe: I just suggested a line of handicapable toys...you know, to show the kids the fun of being physically challenged!
 Instant Herpes
Peter Griffin: Oh no Lois...a guy at work bought a car out of the paper once. Ten years later, BAM! -- herpes.
 Interactive Father
Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family - or kill us. I'm not sure which.
 Land Mines
Lois Griffin: Excuse us..we're having a small problem with home security.
Peter Griffin: Do you guys have those round metal things that you bury in the ground...and when you step on them..they explode?
Sales Clerk: Land mines?
Lois and Peter: Land mines!
Peter: It was land mines...
 Lemonade Stand Front
Little Girl at Leomonade Stand: I can't take a credit card sir...i need real money.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Watcha selling? Meth, ex, crack, dust, coke, block, crystal? In my neighborhood? I don�t think so!
Peter crushes the lemonade stand.
 Live With Diane
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news...we now go live to Diane being a bitch. -- Diane.
 Lois's Act
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
 Lois's Opinion
Lois Griffin: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter Griffin: Well, the important thing is.. it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.
 Lois..A Racist?
Peter Griffin: Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbles back on TV is a racist! There. -- I said it.
 Meg....A Teenager?
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute! Meg, when did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Shes 16 Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?
 News for the Millenium
Diane Simmons: And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.
Tom Tucker: We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at those we've lost this millennium.
 Peanuts and Crackerjacks
Peter Griffin: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever comes back.
Brian: I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
 Peter's Silver Medal
Peter Griffin: I had such a crush on her..until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal. (Peter kisses Lois)
 Popular Clique
Teacher: All right, what's going on back here? Oh hello Megan..wait a minute, your not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere. Shame on you all...getting her hopes up like that.
 Resentment of Peter Worship
Lois Griffin: These people are worshipping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter Griffin: Someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.
Lois: Not me, Peter. God! The real God!
Peter: What's the big deal? So I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God. When did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Come on! Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed!
 Schoolhouse Rocks
Chorus (singing): Vagina junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies...
 Scooby Doo
<b><a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=fred'>Fred</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'></b>: <a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=gee'>Gee</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'> whiz, gang, looks like the murderer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body into the river.
<b><a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=velma'>Velma</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'></b>: <a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=jinkies'>Jinkies</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'>. What a mystery!
<b><a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=scooby-doo'>Scooby-Doo</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'></b>: (grossed out <a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=scooby'>Scooby</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'> noise)
<b><a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=fred'>Fred</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'></b>: <a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=youre'>You're</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'> right <a href='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/newpage.php?name=scoob'>Scoob</a><img src='http://familyguy.neoseeker.com/images/new.gif' border='0' alt='new'>. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
Peter: I know just how you feel pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments too.
Doctor: It's a girl!
Peter: Can you... can you check again?
 Smelly Meg
Stewie Griffin: Meg! You vile-smelling girl... you're not to touch any of my things!
Stewie: You understand me..dirty girl?
 Stephen King
Brian Griffin: Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?!
Dean Koontz: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
 Stewie's Commands
Stewie Griffin: You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal!
Stewie: You two! Fight to the death!
 Stewie's Insult
Stewie Griffin: Ok, ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly..you wouldn't need an egg timer...you'd need an egg calender! (Laughs) Oh, that's right. I went there.
 Stewie's Sprinkles
Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find I shall kill you!
 Stewie's Weight Problem
Doctor: Hum, 29 pounds, that�s big for your age.
Stewie Griffin: Well forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from those diaper commercials.
 Stuff to Do
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't clean. I've got stuff to do.
Lois Griffin: Meg, we all know you don't have stuff to do.
 Symbols of the Republican Party
Peter: Hey Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.
 That Episode of The Brady Bunch
Brian Griffin: Kid, listen, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?
Stewie Griffin: Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Stewie: It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. -- And put a nice label on it.
 The Baby's Up
Stewie: Ugh..damn it to the bowels of bloody hell.
Lois: Well the baby's up.
 The Fattest Part
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
 The Reason Dinosaurs Died Out
Child Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Tour Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
Child Peter puts his head down in shame.
 The Vietnam Thing
Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? -- Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah...but don't mention it around The Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
 Three Days?
Peter: Three days? That's tomorrow!
 Ticklish Cleveland
Cleveland: Oh, Peter...that tickles me in a way, that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, "Oh yeah...that's nice...that's the spot."
 Tricia's Sex Report
Tom Tucker: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex.
Trishia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish.
Trisha gets into bed with Glen.
 Truth About Prison Showers
Brian: Um, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell you Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh..it was slipping all over the place....guys were laughing.
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds -- but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
 Ugly Meg
Meg Griffin: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris Griffin: Well...you're hogging up all the...ugly!
 Very Well for No Breasts
Lois Griffin: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts -- you've done very well for yourself. Good for you!
 Wasted 24/7
Peter Griffin: Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day!
 Wedding Portrait
Lois Griffin: Did you paste your picture over our wedding portrait?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over mine...
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
 Wheelchair People
Peter: You�re not supposed to admire wheelchair people...You�re supposed to feel sorry for them.
 Which Child?
Lois Griffin: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?
Peter Griffin: Gordon?
 Why Don't You....
Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?
 Women Are Not Objects
Lois Griffin: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right son. Listen to what it says.
Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
 You're fired!
Mr. Weed: You're Fired!
Peter: Oh geez, for how long?