Quotes (Season 3)
Here are some hilarious quotes from Season 3 of Family Guy.
 A Fizzle
Black Knight: You see kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually...that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today...only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
 A Quarter for Bill
Peter Griffin: Hey! Anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?
 Black-U-Weather Forecast
Tom Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather Forecast. -- Ollie?
Ollie: It gon rain.
Tom: Thanks Ollie.
 Brian's Date
Brian Griffin: So, um, tell me about yourself, Tina.
Tina: Well, I really love music.
Brian: Oh, God! Me, too! You know, I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, the best opera of the 18th century.
Brian: And the use of recitative throughout...Mozart was a genius.
Tina: (Mumbling) Oh, yeah. Reci-ta-tive is really where it's at.
Waiter: Sir, are we ready to order?
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Tina: Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'! Okay. I guess I'll have the es-car-got and a glass of chab-liss.
Brian: Same here. Es-car-got and the chab-liss.
 British Idiom
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Well someone tell this cigarette to shut up.
 Chris Will Be Lois
Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?
Chris Griffin: Dad I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!
 Christmas Time
Peter Griffin: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy? I've got to do something!
Unknown Man: Bob there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well...I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
A Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!
 Cleaning The House
Peter Griffin: Just don't forget our deal Lois. I sit through this and later tonight - I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it!
 Cook Anyway
Lois Griffin: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty.
 Done Kiss
Peter Griffin: Yeah. My wife here did KISS.
Moderator: Get out of here!
Peter: Hand to God.
Moderator: Peter, how does that make you feel?
Peter: I feel like I've done KISS, too, Donny. And it feels good.
 Fast-Food Stop
Lois Griffin: Peter, why are we stopped?
(It is revealed that Peter is at the drive-thru at a fast-food place.)
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers.
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right! (to the speaker) And a kid's meal...and uh, I guess I'll have fries. (to the people in the car) If I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Because, I don't wanna be the only one eating them. I'll feel like a fatty.
 Felt Bad
Quagmire: I felt guilty once...but she woke up halfway through.
 French Kissing Bird
Peter Griffin: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!
 Half-Eaten Meatball
Repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Repairman: Ugh, no.
Peter: You bastard.
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois Griffin: Peter, three wishes! Oh this is so exciting.
Meg Griffin: I want a new hat!
Chris Griffin: I want a new hat!
Stewie Griffin: I want them to have new hats!
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you'll go when you die?
Sam: I learned in church that if you're good you go to heaven. But if you're bad you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Peter Griffin: You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, you know...
Death: I'm not following you.
Stewie Griffin: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until - OOPS! Big shock! A jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
 Just Like Big Brother
Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter Griffin: Wow, just like that show Big Brother...except somebody will be watching.
 Just Like The Catholic Church
Stewie Griffin: God, all this work keeping people from having sex! Now I know how the Catholic Church feels!
Chris Griffin: What's a library dad?
Peter Griffin: Oh it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go 'BM'.
 Lois's Worth
Peter Griffin: Lois may be worth a million bucks to you but to me she's worthless!
Peter Griffin: Math. Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
 News Reports
Tom Tucker On Telvision: Coming up in the next half-hour: our in-depth look at conveniently placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter - watch out for that skateboard.
Peter hits the skateboard and falls.
 Novelty Fire Extinguisher
Peter Griffin: What the hell did you do?
Brian Griffin: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who! Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk!
 Pea Tear Griffin
(Peter looks around the room to think of name)
Peter Griffin: Um...my name is...(he sees a pea on a plate)
(he sees a woman sheading a tear)
Peter: ... tear
(Peter sees a Griffin fly by)
Peter:...Griffin. Peter Griffin!
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
 Porno Production
Porn Producer: It's like Bang The Drum Slowly -- except the drum is a chick.
Pro-Guns Speaker: Guns don't kill people! Dangerous minorities do!
Peter Griffin: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
 Role Reversal
Stewie Griffin: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio, but I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
 Saved Are Asses
Glen Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our asses.
(Peter walks into the gay rape scene from Pulp Fiction carrying a sword. Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland are tied up and gagged.)
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Too bad I got there after the sodomy.
 Say What?
Robber: I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm going to kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie Griffin: Good lord! Can he really say 'bang my girlfriend' on TV?
 Secret Weight Loss
Meg Griffin: Wow Brian! Have you lost weight? You got to tell me your secret!
Brian Griffin: Here's a hint: put down the fork.
 Smart Idea
Peter Griffin: I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about...
 Something New Everyday
Peter Griffin: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, -- and I learned something today!
 Stay and Talk
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch!
 Stewie's Letter to Brian
Stewie Griffin: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Um, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just, I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to, and then it'll...Wait a minute. Actually, could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, good-bye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London. I'm actually going to take the sweater.
 Taylor Hanson Is A Guy
Peter Griffin: Let's say none of us were married. If you could have any woman in the world...who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
- Awkward Pause -
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: (Laughs nervously) You guys are yanking me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No. He's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines. Oh god!
 The Flag Girl Squad
Meg Griffin: Mom guess what? I made the Flag Girl squad!
Stewie Griffin: Flag Girl? Ugh, yes good for you. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!
 Ugly Grandchildren
Peter Griffin: The two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.
 What Didn't Kill Her
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her...smoking.
 What is Candy Made Of?
Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?