Season 3


Episodes

The Thin White Line - Part 1

With incentive from his shrink, Brian decides to become a drug-sniffing dog for the police department. Unfortunately, Brian becomes addicted to cocaine as he does his job. The family cancels their vacation to the Bahamas so they can take car of Brian while he's in rehab. While at rebah, Brian is told Peter is a bad influence on him. Brian decides to take a vacation from The Griffin family for a while.


Brian Does Hollywood - Part 2

Brian (who is on a vacation from The Griffin Family) is "working" as a screenwriter in Hollywood. To make ends meet, he does various oddjobs. Brian finally gets a directing job -- as a porno director. Even though he is nominated for a Woody Award, Brian is ashamed of his involvement in the porn industry. Brian's cousin, Jasper, calls The Griffins to let him know about his award and they make it to Hollywood to see Brian win his Woody Award. Brian makes the decision to come back to Quahog.

Meanwhile, Stewie gets on the television show Kids Say the Darndest Things. He plans to use the opportunity to use a hypnotizing device, disguised as glasses to take over the nation. His plan backfires when Bill Cosby accidently hypnotizes him.


Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is bought by a cigarette company. The new management uses their toys as a marketing device to get children to buy cigarettes. Lois convinces Peter to go and ask the management about the toys. They promote Peter to President of the company so he won't make any more complaints.

Peter is sent to Washington D.C. to stop a bill from being passed that could put the factory out of business. Lois seems to enjoy the life of being a wife of an executive and doesn't make any more complaints until she catches Stewie smoking. She goes to Washington and tells Peter. Peter does the right thing and the company is ultimately fined 100 hundred million dollars.


One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

A huge hurricane strikes Quahog, destroying virtually everything. One of the only buildings to survive is The Drunken Clam, which ends up being sold by Horace to a British man named Nigel Pinchley. Nigel Pinchley turns the bar into a pub.

Pinchley and his family move next door to The Griffins. Just like My Fair Lady, Stewie teaches Pinchley's daughter how to speak better English.

Meanwhile, Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland conspire to get their bar back.


And the Wiener is...

Peter finds out that Chris is more endowed them him. To make up for it, Peter buys a sports car and joins a gun club. Chris saves Peter from a bear and Peter tells Chris he should be proud.

Meanwhile, Meg is picked on endlessly at school after joining the color guard.


Death Lives

Peter wants to go golfing but it his anniversary. He sets up a romantic scavenger hutn to keep Lois busy will he goes golfing. While playing golf, Peter is struck by lightning. Peter goes someplace where he is neither alive or dead and meets Death who shows him that he needs to start paying more attention to Lois. Peter also helps Death with his love life by trying to hook him up with a girl from a pet store.

Peter comes back to life to see Lois waiting to catch him playing golf and they listen to their favorite song.


Lethal Weapons

Lois, who is becoming frusturated with Peter's view of her worthiness and him contradicting her, join Bonnie's Tae-Jitsu class.

Meanwhile, New Yorkers (called leafers) come to Rhode Island to watch the leaves change. Peter uses Lois, who is now a black-belt in Tae-Jitsu, to scare all the leafers away.

Lois falls in love with the violence. She fights her instructor, and starts using violence to get what she wants in The Griffin house hold. The family tries counseling but it fails. The only cure is a long fist-fight that will release all their anger.


The Kiss Seen Around the World

Meg applies for an internship at the telvision station because she has a crush on Tom Tucker. Due to her bad looks, Meg gets the job. Much to her dismay, Meg finds out that her co-anchor will be Neil Goldman (who she hates).

A mass media murdurer is on top of city hall and the news station sends Neil and Meg so they won't get hurt. They think they are going to die, so Meg admits she has never been kissed so Neil kisses her. Luckily, they are saved by Mr. Downs.

Neil aired the kiss around the world and Meg is embarassed. For revenge, Meg airs a special news story about how she hates Neil. Neil goes to the top of city hall pretending to committ suicide. The helicopter blows Neil off and Meg catches him. She finds out that Neil never was going to jump.

Meanwhile, Stewie's tricycle is stolen by a bully. Stewie kidnaps him and ties him up in the basement and teaches him not to mess with him.


Mr. Saturday Knight

While eating dinner at The Griffins, Mr. Weed dies after choking on a dinner roll (who is now in prison). The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory becomes an institute for people terminally ill diseases.

Now jobless, Peter decides to fulfill his dream of becoming a night at the Renaissance Fair. Peter's idol, The Black Knight sees Peter with his wench and tells Peter that he never wants to see him again.

Peter shows up again and is forced to joust The Black Knight for the honor of his family.


Fish Out of Water

Peter still doesn't have a job. He decides that he will become a fisherman. First, Peter buys a boat at an auction at an extremely high price. Peter takes out a loan from a shady loan company which puts him in complete debt. His house and possesions become possessed.

Peter learns about a fish who has never been caught, called Daggermouth. Whoever catches Daggermouth will get a huge reward. Peter decides this is the only way he will get his money back. With the help of Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe, Peter finds the fish who turns out to be a robot built by a fisherman who faked his death. The fisherman gives Peter his money and Peter swears he will tell no one.

Meanwhile, Meg is the only student in her class not going on spring break. Lois tries to cheer her up by taking her to get a makeover. Meg is still disappointed, so Lois takes her to a beach party and ends up doing all the partying herself. The influence of Lois makes Meg flash the crowd so she becomes popular too. Lois and Meg get arrested but escape the police car.


Emission Impossible

Carole is Lois's pregnant sister who has been single ever since her husband walked out on her. Peter and Lois go and visit her and Carole goes into labor. Peter gives birth to the baby. Peter and Lois decide that they want another baby. Stewie hates the idea and does everything he can to make sure Peter and Lois can't conceive.

Eventually, Peter and Lois lock Stewie out of their room and Stewie is forced to shrink himself so he can go inside Peter's body and destroy the sperm that will become his brother. However, Stewie finds out that his brother also wants to kill Lois and they become friends. Stewie becomes regular size again, hoping that his new brother will help him take over the world.


To Live and Die in Dixie

Chris witnesses a store robbery and is able to identify the robber. As a result, The Griffins enter The Witness Protection Program and are sent down south. There, Chris becomes friends with a boy named Sam.

The town shows a reenactment of The Civil War but in their version the South wins. Peter asks whether or not that is the truth and the whole town begins to hate Peter and Sam's father won't let him see Chris anymore. Sam kisses Chris, but Chris tells him that he doesn't like Sam like that.

Meanwhile, an FBI agent accidentally gives away THe Griffins new location. Just before the robber comes to kill Chris, Sam reveals to Chris that he is a girl. Fortunately, the townspeople save Chris from being killed.


Screwed The Pooch

Lois invites Brian to go to her parent's house with the family so he can get a change of scenery do the fact that Brian is having strong sexual desires. The Pewterschmidts have a female dog named Sea Breaze and Brian loses control and puts the moves on her. The Pewterschmidts won't let Brian near Sea Breaze. Brian learns that Sea Breaze is pregnant and agrees to neuter himself if he can have custody of the puppies. Right before Brian is about to be neutered, Lois comes to tell him that the puppies are not his.

Meanwhile, Peter tries to impress Lois's dad. He makes progress until he screws up a sailing trip.


Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

After becoming a waterbody, Chris is transformed into a black person trapped inside a white person's body. Cleveland takes Chris to the museum so he show Chris his rich Irish heritage where they learn of a black ancestor named Nate Griffin. Peter explores the black culture by going to black theatre but he doesn't fit in. Cleveland introduces him to his club to try help.

Peter learns that Lois's rich parents used to own Nate Griffin. They give Peter money so they won't feel guilty about it anymore. Cleveland's club is mad that Peter uses the money for himself instead of giving it to the club. Peter talks to Nate through a mirror in a bathrrom and Nate shows him how Peter needs to share the money.

Peter takes the money and throws it to all the people at a basketball game and Peter learns that it doesn't matter if you're black or white, it's how rich you are.

In the mean time, Stewie kidnaps the cheerleading captain so he can be at the top of the pyramid.


Ready, Willing, and Disabled

Joe Swanson lets a thief get away due to his handicapped limitations. Peter tries to boost his self-esteem by entering him into "The Special People's Games." Peter puts steroids in a drink and Joe wins the competition. Joe becomes a hero and doesn't thank Peter for any of his help. As a result, Peter lets out the fact that Joe used steroids. Joe takes off his medal, ashamed.

Meanwhile, Brian, Meg and Stewie fight over the money that the robber tried to steal. Eventually, the robber steals the money again and Joe catches him. Joe decides to rejoin the force.


A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

The Griffins are getting ready for the holidays. Stewie is baffled that a fat main in a red suit can watch every child in the world anytime he wants too. Lois is most excited for the holidays but Peter dampens her spirits when he accidentally takes all the toys they bought for the kids to the Toys for Toddlers Charity.

Peter and Lois have a horrible time going through last minute shopping and when they arrive back home Christmas dinner is ruined. Lois goes crazy about all the work she did to make it a good Christmas and she climbs up to the top of the call Christmas tree to try and get the star.


Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Brian is forced to take care of an older woman named Peggy for community service after getting arrested for drunk driving. Peggy drives Brian nuts and Brian has to leave her house.

Brian learns more about Peggy while watching a documentary on television. This causes Brian to have stonger feelings about Peggy and they become good friends. Brian convinces her to get out of the house. As a reuslt, Peggy gets killed after getting hit by a bus. Lois helps Brian get over Peggy.

Meanwhile, Peter grows a beard and a swallow bird builds his nest in it. Peter can't shave it off because the bird is an endangered species. Peter starts to feel feelings for the bird and is very sad when it's time for the bird to fly away. Lois helps Peter get over the bird.


From Method to Madness

Stewie tries to get Brian a second chance to audition for Quahog School of Performing Arts and ends up getting accepted himself. There, he meets Olivia, another star student. Stewie and Olivia learn that they must have a great performance or they will be kicked out of the school. Stewie and Olivia are good friends until Olivia storms the stage during their performance. Stewie, forced to complete the number, is humiliated.

In the meantime, Meg gets a new boyfriend. The only thing wrong with him is the fact that he is a nudist. To get Lois and Peter to accept him, Meg insists that they meet the rest of his nudist family.


Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Lois meets her ex-boyfriend Ross Fisherman at the toy store and decides to meet him secretly for coffee so Peter won't become jealous. Coincidentally, Joe is showing Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland his new surveillance van. Using the van, Peter sees Lois with Ross.

To get revenge, Peter hires prostitutes to pretend to be his ex-girlfriends to make Lois jealous. Peter and Lois decide that their jealous has gone too far and they should try and get help. The marriage therapists recommends they see other people.

Quagmire thinks this is the perfect opportunity to date Lois. While on their date, Lois sees Peter with Jennifer Love Hewitt. This makes Lois very jealous and she scares Jennifer Love Hewitt away. Lois and Peter get back together.

In the meantime, Brian and Stewie super glue themselves together and they have to spend a whole week attached to each other while waiting for a chemical that will get rid of the glue. They grow to like each other.


Road to Europe

Stewie is determined to go to England to see The Jolly Farm Review a show about a woman named Mother Maggie who presides over a farm. He manages to get on an airplane for a British airline. Brian is stuck with Stewie when he tries to get on the plane to take Stewie home. The plane ends up in Saudia Arabia where Stewie and Brian hijack a ballon to get to Italy. Stewie finally manages to get to England and see The Jolly Farm Review where he learns that is very fake and nothing like the actual television show.

Stewie finds inspiration in Charles Dickens's house when he realizes that someone can rise out from their family and become prosperous.

In the meantime, Lois and Peter go to KISS-stock and Lois is forced to reveal that she used to go out with Gene Simmons in hopes that people will forget that she didn't know the lyrics to a popular KISS song.


Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

Brian gets viewer mail questions and tells three stories to try and answer them.

Li'l Griffins We go back to the kid versions of the family. Peter, Joe and Quagmire give up on girls until they see Lois. Lois is reading a book about bravery in school and Peter and Quagmire try to be braver than the other by spending the night at a scary house.

No Bones About it Peter gets a special beer bottle with a genie insdie who can grant him 3 wishes. Peter waste his wishes away by first asking to bring Jackie Gleason back to life. The Jackie Gleason zombie haunts The Griffins until Stewie kills him. Peter wishes he had his own theme song music and when someone threatens to break all the bones in his body if he doesn't turn the music off, Peter accidentally wishes he didn't have any bones. Now, Peter can't do anything, so he flushes himself down the toilet and ends up in California where he is put back together again using other bones which he later learns comes from his family.

Super Griffins The Griffins gain supernatural powers after radioactive waste is dumped on their house. The family ends up destroying Quahog. The mayor decides that he will expose himself to toxic waste so he can gain supernatural powers and fight The Griffins. The mayor ends up getting a horrible disease. The family feels terrible and uses their powers to help Mayor Adam West.


When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

Peter buys volcano insurance using Lois's rainy day money and she is furious. Cleveland and Quagmire both express how their Jewish accountants helped them manage their money. Peter sets out to find a Jewish man to save him from debt. A Jewish man just so happens to come to The Griffins house to use their phone. Peter convinces the man to help him out of their money troubles.

After the Jewish man is gone, Peter wants Chris to become Jewish so he takes him to a quickie Barmitzvah place in Las Vegas. Lois saves Peter from making the wrong decision and Peter learns that Jewish people are no smarter than any other religious group.

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